


SKU: Non-Out of Left Field Remix

by gorgeousshutin



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Humor, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-21
Updated: 2012-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-10 09:25:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/464738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gorgeousshutin/pseuds/gorgeousshutin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crack fic as inspired by the thread "Alot of the analysis on this site seems completely out of left field (http://forums.ohtori.nu/viewtopic.php?id=3134)" at In the Rose Garden.  Most of us think that Akio had sex with Touga and many of the female characters, that Juri is a lesbian, that the Kaoru Twins are incestuous, and that Anthy is NOT merely a back-stabbing tramp; but without rock solid proof, all these are but mere speculations said to be "completely out of left field".  Let the counter current C-ko show us the "non-out of left field" perspective - one that WILL leave seasoned fans breathless :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

A crack fic as inspired by the thread <http://forums.ohtori.nu/viewtopic.php?id=3134> , which just fills me with creative energy and non-stop laughter for the past 24 hrs.   Even though I’m falling really behind on my main SKU fic (who knew the Nemuro Research Era would be so cumbersome to put in words), I had to get this out of my system so my mind can snap back to serious mode and I can continue **Seinen Kakumei Utena**.  No insult is meant towards the brave soul who is **april6e** – I’m genuinely thankful to this poster for prompting **Frau Eva** to churn out that awesome post, which provides fertile soil for the weirdness below.  
  
All characters AND ideas belong to someone else.  Don’t sue :)  
  
(We see Shadow Girls materializing on the wall.)  
  
C-ko:  Extra!  Extra!  
  
B-ko:  What’s that?  
  
A-ko:  Do you know?  Do you know?  Do you wonder what she knows?  
  
C-ko:  That’s right!  It’s just been brought to our attention that many audiences’ views on our show are completely out of left field!  
  
B-ko: Out of left field?  What’s that?  
  
A-ko:  Must be the non-out-of-right-field kinda way of looking at things . . . I guess.  
  
C-ko:  Any~way!  Let’s start with out of left field view #1: that Akio had sex with almost every female/male in the anime.  
  
B-ko:   . . . you mean he didn’t?!  
  
A-ko: Oh, oh, this I can get behind!  It is so obvious that Tsuwabuki had remained untouched by the man at least up to his black rose episode, thus why his vigin boy angst.  
  
C-ko: But apparently, there are people who don't see any evidence in the anime that Akio had sex with Touga, Saionji, or many of the females many out-of-left-field fans “wish he did”.  
  
A-ko: WTF?  
  
B-ko:  . . . you mean all those self-induced orgasms I’ve had watching the last twenty episodes or so were all over nothing?!  
  
A-ko:  But . . . then what in the world was the bit near the end of episode 25 supposed to be, if not Akio/Touga sexing?  
  
C-ko (producing a film projector with “Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Perspective” written on the device):  Roll it!  
  
 **Clip Starts**  
  
 **Episode 25 - Jocks Horsing, Not Bromancing**  
  
Touga:  That Saionji... and after I went to all this trouble to be his friend.  
  
Akio:  Are you enjoying this game? ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** See, I told you that below-the-waist wrestling is an easy game for any self-respecting jock to pick up.)  
  
Touga:  Of course. ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Man!  This is certainly more fun than that platonic naked wrestling thing the Chairman demo-ed for me with his sister.  If only Saionji ain’t too modesty-plagued to join us . . . )  
  
Akio:  Then, it's all right, isn't it? ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** No lawsuit please, since the nature of this game is completely jock-like and non-sexual and all.)  Be nice to your friend. ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Bring Saionji next time, body modesty go just as badly with boys as swords are with dresses; to think Anthy had wasted all that time trying to disinfect him of prude-germs with their many naked wrestling sessions  . . . guess I have to set him straight myself.)  
  
 **Clip Ends**  
  
(Eerie silence lasting a full minute.)  
  
A-ko (weakly):  Then, the photoshoot with Akio and the boys . . .  
  
B-ko: . . . is really just a duty-bound educator trying to help the student Saionji get over his body modesty issues! (Brawls.) Wah!  My poor masturbatory fantasy!  Ruined!  
  
A-ko:  Wait . . . there was also something scary earlier on about how there’s no evidence that Akio had sex with many of the females-  
  
B-ko (screeches):  STOP!  Womanizing Akio is my only pleasure watching this annoyingly convoluted show!  Out of left field or not, no one’s taking that away from me!  
  
C-ko (merciless):  Roll it!  
 **  
Clip Starts:  
  
Episode 15 - Siblings Down Time **  
  
Akio:  Come here, Anthy.  
  
Akio:  Tonight, I'll comfort you, too.  ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Big brother knows you like your feet massaged, you little sister, you.)  
  
Anthy: Chu chu. ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Oh my, looking at him without my glasses, big brother really does resemble my minature pet monkey a lot.)  
  
 **Episode 22 – Spread Pain, Not Love**  
  
Akio:  I'll leave this Rose Signet for you. Should you ever desire eternity, then put it on.  
  
Akio:  I suppose you have no choice but to revolutionize the world.  
  
Akio:  The way before you has been prepared.  
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Nemuro sees Akio checking Tokiko for cavities, the sight of which stirs up the Professor’s need to make others suffer just as badly as his tooth-ache-plagued lady love, leading to the arson.)  
  
 **Episode 26 – Leggy Leggy**  
  
Kozue:  I'm meeting someone.  
  
Nanami:  At this hour? Who on earth?  
  
Kozue:  A "Daddy Long Legs". Shall I introduce you? ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** The Acting Chairman’s a success case of the Chinese leg-stretching surgery, a non-safe but result-yielding procedure that can help even the ill-proportioned likes of you.)  
  
Nanami:  No thanks.  
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Kozue, aspiring to become a runway model, goes off with Akio as the Chairman discuss with her the risks involved in the surgery in a professional manner.)   
 **  
Episode 30 – Dealing with Package Deal**  
  
Akio:  Besides. Look. This is Kanae-san's favorite fragrance.  
  
Akio:  I'm always wearing the cologne Kanae-san likes, and when we're all alone together... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Just so you can buy this yourself and spray your daughter’s room with it, you devoted mom, you.)  
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Audio/Mind Perception:** Mrs. Ohtori sniffing noisily like the agitated old lady she is.  Gee willicker, she thinks to herself, that’s one musky moose smell ma little gal’s craving!)  
  
Akio:  And how is the real Chairman doing?  
  
Mrs. Ohtori:  Who cares about that man. ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Can’t even give me ma proper foot massage, senile old goat!)  
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Sensing the future mother in law’s needs by way of his power as the World’s End, Akio proceeds to massage her foot - lowering his head just to give himself more leverage to exert proper strength.)  
  
Mrs. Ohtori:  You. You're my only Prince. ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Just ma way of praising you for your suck up efforts, ye social-climbing laddie!)  
   
 **Episode 31 - Siblings Showing Off**  
  
Nanami:  Geez, you startled me. Um...  
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Sees non-sexual naked wrestling between Akio and Anthy, the sibling-appropriateness of which forces her to realize just how unclose she is to Touga, cause he’s really not her brother.  Drama ensues.)  
  
 **Clip Ends** (courtesy of B-ko smashing the projector to bits)  
  
C-ko:  Hey!  I still haven’t showed you guys the non-out-of-left-field views with Juri being straight and the Kaoru twins being non-incestuous-  
  
B-ko (carrying large mantis claws and advancing manacingly on C-ko): Snipsnipsnip!   
  
A-ko (likewise) Non-out-of-left-field begone!  Snipsnipsnip!  
  
C-ko (while getting chased off view by the other two):  Argg!!!  
  
 **To Be Continued?**


	2. 2

Not for profit blah blah blah don’t sue blah blah blah.  
  
(We see one Shadow girl materializing on the wall.)  
  
C-ko (looking visibly crumbled and beaten up):  Extra . . . extra . . .!  None shall stop me from showing just how clean and worksafe the show really can be!  (producing a film projector with “Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Perspective BACKUP” written on the device):  Roll . . . it!  
  
 **Clip Starts**  
  
 **Episode 33 – The Prince Who Rubs Feet In the Night**  
  
Utena:  Um, having fun until this late... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Akio, off screen, giving her the best footrub of her young life.)    
  
Utena:  When I get back I gotta make lunch for tomorrow right away. . ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Can’t cheat Himemiya out of food too, now that I’ve already deprived my dear friend of one glorious night of divine footrubbing.  )  
  
Utena:  Um, what should I make?  
  
Utena:  There's some salmon left, so...salmon and... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** I totally need to pee having downed three cans of coke, but do not want the footrub to end . . . what to do?)  
  
Utena:  Then boil some asparagus...and fix some omelette real quick... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:**   Pain in bladder + pleasure in foot = can’t think straight)  
  
Utena:  Usually, we just use all the leftovers from dinner, see...  
  
Utena:  ...since there's two helpings for Himemiya and me...    
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Off screen, Utena loses control of her bladder just as Akio presses down on an ultra sensitive pressure point.)    
  
Utena:  What a mess. What'll I do?   
  
Utena:  I can't think of anything.  ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Too mortifying!)   
  
Utena:  Salmon, and asparagus, and omelette...but what else?  
  
Utena:  What should I do?  
  
Utena:  Hey, what do you think? Maybe sandwitches?  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Off screen, Akio, having frozen stiff after getting sprayed right in the face, still manages a kiss-ass beam up at his best bet for regaining the Power of Dios.)  
  
Utena:  If I mix the asparagus and salmon with some mayonaise, break in a boiled egg...  
  
Utena:  I don't know. What'll I do?  
  
Utena:  Oh man. Isn't there anything else?  ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** You know, I’m subtling hinting that you help me clean up like the gallant gentleman I’ve always believed you to be.)   
  
Utena:  I can't remember.  ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Too mortifying!)   
  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Off screen, Akio have started clumsily kleenexing away the mess, and was just leaving the soaked balls right on the bed.  Utena, who’ve been extra-perceptive since the unfortunate accident, realised now the soaked kleenex balls still will stain the white hotel bedsheets.   
  
Utena:  And those are sitting out too . . . ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Off screen, Utena gestures at the wet clumbled gobs.)  will they be okay? ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Get them off the bed, please; gentleman that you are, you don’t want to give the cleaning lady an unpleasant surprise now, do you?)   
  
Utena:  We always put them into you know ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** The bin, or maybe just flush them down the toilet.) ... and... in the fridge... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Oops, brain fart. ) . . . but today...  
  
Utena:  Um... ( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Off screen, revealing a flash of panties to Akio-the-thousand-year-old-virgin, thus giving the virginal prince the scare of his thousand year existence)  
  
sign:  stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop  
( **Non-Out-Of_Left-Field Visual/Mind Perception:** On screen, Akio-the-thousand-year-old-virgin collasped onto Utena in a dead faint.)  
  
Utena:  What is eternity? ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Poor eternal virgin, you’d never get laid in our gritty world.)  
  
(Scene changes.)  
  
Akio:  Is that Anthy?  
  
Anthy:  Yes.  
  
Akio:  What're you doing there?  
  
Anthy:  I was watching the stars.   
  
Akio:  The stars are beautiful tonight. ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** It’s the night of the Oscars, and Utena and I had watched much of the show in the hotel room prior to the foot rubbing.)  
  
Akio:  You didn't have to watch the Planetarium.  ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Should’ve make the projector play what’s on TV instead.)  
  
Anthy:  I didn't want to look at the real stars. ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** I’d much prefer reruns of Dancing With the Stars.)  
  
Anthy:  Have you received today's roses?  
  
Akio:  Yeah, I received them.  
  
Akio:  Thanks for your help.  
  
Akio:  Weren't the stars beautiful tonight?  
  
Utena:  I didn't expect that to happen. ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Spraying Akio-san is like the low point of my life!)  
  
Utena:  All I came for today was to deliver roses.  ( **Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Thought Bubble:** Too mortifying!)  
  
 **Clip Ends** (courtesy of B-ko showing up to smash the projector to bits, A-ko following close behind)  
  
B-ko (carrying large mantis claws and advancing manacingly on C-ko): Snipsnipsnip!    
  
A-ko (likewise) Non-out-of-left-field begone!  Snipsnipsnip!  
  
C-ko (while getting chased off view by the other two):  I’ll be back!!!  
  
 **To be Continued . . . ?**


	3. 3

SKU: Non-Out-Of-Left-Field Remix Pt 3  (I can't believe I'm still putting time into this while not working on **Seinen Kakumei** )  
  
Not for profit blah blah blah don’t sue blah blah blah.  
  
(We see A-ko and B-ko watching Utena reruns for the up-teenth time.)  
  
B-ko: Curse that C-ko for ruining like all the hot scenes for me with that non-out of left field thingie; now I can’t even get wet during those innuendo-charged Akio scenes no more!  
  
A-ko:  At least we can still watch the show for the greatness that is Juri, who reminds us again and again just how awesome non-straight women are, especially when compared to those boyfriend-stealing straight sluts we all hate-  
  
C-ko (voice from somewhere): Out of left field view #2: Juri is Lesbian/bi; there isn't anything “close to even come close to suggesting she is lesbian” . . .?  Hey, that doesn’t read quite right . . .   
  
A-ko/B-ko:  What the . . . ?! (They gawked at C-ko appearing on their TV scene, waving a tape about.)  
  
C-ko (persisting on): Anyway!  This whole Juri is gay thing is as baseless as the Gundam Wing boys being flaming homos, I’m telling ya!  And do I got proof-  
  
B-ko (in sheer horror):  No!  Not one of those non-out of left field perspective clips again!  
  
A-ko (exasperated):  Oh, for  . . . there’s no way you can take the gay out of Juri no matter how skewered a perspective you use – the girl displays lesbian traits in EVERY scene she’s in, for crying out loud!  
  
C-ko (defiant): You think so, huh?  Watch THIS!  
  
 **Clip Starts**  
  
 **Episode 7 - Juri's Un-gayness**  
  
miki:  Are you in love with someone, Juri-san?  
miki:  An unrequited feeling is hard to bear.  
juri:  Yes, I was in love. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** . . . until some bitch destroyed it all, that is.)  
shounenn:  You've got me.  
shounenn:  I give up. I'm beaten completely.  
shounenn:  You'd be a good match for even high school guys, Juri.  
juri:  Thank you.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I am indeed popular with older guys, but I’d settle for you instead, cutie tush.)  
shiori (making her ruinous appearance):  Believe in a miracle, that your wish come true.  
juri:  But I knew... that this romance would never be fulfilled. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Cause many guys get intimidated by truly beautiful women, and will settle for lowly butt faces instead.)  
Juri:  "Believe in a miracle, that your wish come true."  
juri:  That was her favorite phrase. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I often caught her whimpering this to herself during her time as my footstool in grade school.)  
  
<Skip>  
  
juri (to Utena):  Why are you always dressed like a boy? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Freaks me out, you know.)  
utena:  Well, how should I put it... blahblahblah ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri can not hear a word Utena says, so disturbed is she by the latter’s homophobia-inducing tomboy style.)  
utena:  blahblahblah . . . Sempai...?  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri attacks Utena out of her base, homophobic tendency.  Drama ensues.)  
  
<skip>  
  
annshi-:  May your wish come true someday.  
juri:  Mind your own business.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Unless you’re gonna replace that bitch as my footstool, that is.)  
touga:  So, do you admit the existence of miracles?  
juri:  Who knows? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Who cares about miracles when the hottest boy toy at school is like right within my reach?)  
juri:  But if she really does have the power to revolutionize the world,  
juri:  I'll wrest it from her with my own hands. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Just my way of impressing you, beef buns.)  
  
<skip>  
  
shiori:  You must hate me for being like this...  
juri:  Yes, I do. Because you're not even aware of my wish. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Juri glares into the locket with Shiori’s pic in it, wowing to someday again put the butt-faced bitch under her feet where she belongs.)  
  
 **Episode 17 - Bitch Slap of Death**  
  
Shiori: You must hate me for being like this.  
Juri: Yes, I do hate you.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Audio/Mind Perception:** Nope, no subtext whatsoever.)  
  
<skip>  
  
Shiori: It's you he thinks of most since those days, Juri-san.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Audio/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking): Thank you for the obvious statement, may I have another?)  
Shiori: But I'm not sorry I took him away from you...  
Shiori: You must hate me for being like this.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Audio/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking): You little . . . I’ll steal your thunder yet!)  
  
<skip>  
  
Juri: No, I was never in love with him...  
Juri: ...so there's nothing for you to fret over. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   Don’t you feel stu-pid now, butt face?)  
Shiori: Then, whose picture is in your pendant?  
Shiori: You have it hidden under your clothes even now!  
Juri: It's you. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** It’s called a “locket”, dumb whore, and I’ve had it voodooed so that whomever’s face pic I put in it will get acne!)  
  
<skip>  
  
Utena: I don't know the circumstances, but why don't you forgive her?  
Utena: Shiori-san is a nice person, isn't she? You two were once close, weren't you? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Audio/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking): As close as one could be to a human footstool, I guess)  
Utena: Besides, it seems like she really trusts you.  
Juri: You're just like Shiori...  
Juri: ...cruelly innocent.  
Utena: Which means...  
Juri: ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Which means that I’m about to make YOU my footstool if you don’t zip it right now!) Look, it's none of your business.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Alas, I’m truly too nice . . .)  
  
<skip>  
  
(Juri throwing locket into pond.)  
Juri: It was because of my weakness that I couldn't discard your picture.  
Juri: But I don't believe in miracles. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Instead of sitting back and waiting for your pathetic life to crumble, I’m gonna pro-actively make it happen starting now.)  
  
<skip>  
Shiori: This is yours, isn't it? (shows locket)  
Juri: How did you...?  
Juri: Did you look... inside?  
Shiori: If you'd have told me, I'd have given you a better picture.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking): No need, your butt face profile should’ve been plenty good enough for the acne voodoo to work . . . which, from what I’m seeing, did work.)  
Shiori: So pretty...  
Shiori: I liked the look in your eyes when you were hurt.  
Juri: ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** Juri freaks out in revulsion.) Shiori, don't tease me... ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I had a big lunch, and you’re about to make me throw it all up!)  
Shiori (trippy thus sultry under black rose influence): You're supposed to be stronger than anyone, but now you're like this...  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** : Juri, breaking under the strain of same sex revulsion, throws her head back in agony as she expells her soul sword.)  
  
 **Episode 28 - Hetero Longings in the Dark**  
  
Juri:  Feelings I can never put into words.  
Juri:  But my heart always keeps on whispering. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Ruka, my emo hero . . .)  
  
<skip>  
  
Ruka:  I was wondering how much you'd grown while I was away,  
Ruka:  but it looks like I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  
Juri:  So it really was you, Captain. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** So he noticed that I’m still as slim as ever!  Must play hard to get, must not show interest . . .)  
Juri:  Ruka has returned to the Academy.  
Nanami:  Ruka has?  
Juri: ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  All dreamy inside.) Yes. Tsuchiya Ruka, Captain of the Fencing Club.  
Miki:  Juri-san, aren't you the Captain of the Fencing Club?  
Juri:  I'm just minding things in his absense. ... ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I’d serve him in other ways too, should opportunity arise.)  
  
<skip>  
  
Ruka (smug):  The Ends of the World seems rather displeased.  
Ruka:  He complains that none of you have any spine.  
Juri ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   admiringly) : Have you been chosen too?  
Miki:  Then you're going after Tenjou-san too?  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  Juri (thinking):No!  Curse that ironing board and her attracting all the hot guys!)   
Ruka:  Hey now. I'm still recovering.  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Audio/Mind Perception:** :  Juri exhales in relief.)   
Nanami:  Then what do you intend to do?  
Ruka:  Good question. Well, I haven't been at the Academy for a while.  
Ruka:  For now, I think I'll just enjoy the carefree student life.  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking): He’s saying he’s still gonna sleep around . . . damn; why couldn’t he’ve come to me to sate his needs? )   
  
<skip>  
  
Juri:  You're the Captain of the Fencing Team. I leave the management of the club in your hands.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : Fuck me, I suck at conversation with cute guys!)  
Ruka:  Oh?  
Juri:  And whatever you're plotting as a Duelist is none of my concern.  
Juri:  But... ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : That prominent budge of his is so damned distracting!)  
Ruka:  But?  
Juri:  Keep your hands off of Shiori. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : Don’t let her soil your gold member now.)  
Ruka:  What for?  
Juri:  Shiori is...  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : A butt-faced footstool whore, but I can’t say something so vulgar to his handsome face.)  Shiori is an old friend of mine.  
Ruka:  I see. I understand what you're saying.  
Ruka:  But I think you're misunderstanding something.  
Juri:  What?  
Ruka:  I said already that I was going to live the carefree life.  
Ruka:  Why shouldn't I be free to enjoy romance with anyone in the Academy I want?  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  Juri (thinking):You can’t, my Adonis, not with that boyfriend stealing butt-faced whore!)   
  
<skip>  
  
(Ruka kissing Shiori while glacing sideways at Juri.)  
Juri:  He knows.  
Juri:  He knows everything. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  Juri (thinking): He’s so teasing me by playing hard to get!)   
  
<skip>  
  
Shiori:  Oh, Juri-san.  
Shiori:  What's that expression for?  
Juri:  Shiori, you shouldn't go out with him.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : I’m warning you here, bitch!)  
Shiori:  What?  
Juri:  Your surprise is understandable. But, I'm worried about you.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : Yeah, worried that you’d get your skank germs on my man!)  
Juri:  You mustn't trust that-  
Shiori:  Juri-san.  
Shiori:  You really suck, you know?  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  Juri (thinking): Why you little . . . !)  
  
<skip>  
  
Juri:  I thought I told you to keep your hands off Shiori.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : Can’t you see she is one STD infested slime dump?)  
Ruka:  She chose this herself.  
Juri:  Don't say that. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : Say she dug her own whore grave instead!)  
Ruka:  Right. There's no need for me to say it.  
Ruka:  After all, you know it better than anybody else.  
Juri:  Ruka! What're you after! What're you thinking?! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** : What’s keeping you from bonking me?!)  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** :  Ruka goes off, leaving Juri unfullfiled.)  
Juri:  Ruka!!  
  
 **Episode 29 – The Plot Stretched Thinner than The Sky**  
  
Shiori:  Juri-san, so it's you.  
Shiori:  What do you want? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I already knew you’re here to try make me your footstool again, but asking this question out loud make me sound cooler somehow.)  
Juri:  Shiori...  
Shiori:  You came to laugh at me and feel all superior, didn't you?!  
Juri:  Of course not- ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Damn, you got me.)  
Shiori:  You suck worse and worse every day! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** And no talking back from you!  I’ll be singing in my head so your intimidating words can’t sway me!) )Did you expect me to cry for help on your shoulder?! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to, if I want to . . .)  
Shiori:  Too bad, but I'm not gonna do what you want me to.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** You would cry too if it happened to you!)  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri: Curse her for being so much more resistant than before . . .  don’t think this is over yet, butt face footstool!)  
  
<skip>  
  
Ruka:  I was thinking about going out with you next.  
Juri:  Who the fuck would go out with you?!  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Sweeeeeet!!!!   But . . . a quality woman like me have to play hard to get . . .)  
Ruka:  Don't you actually love me, the Captain of the Fencing Club?  
Juri:  You bastard! You've insulted me enough! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   Yes! Take me!)  
Ruka:  Don't hold back now.  
Juri:  Who's hol-  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Liplocking ensues, during which Juri greatly enjoys herself, prior to slapping Ruka like the debuntate she plays at being.  Realizes to her shock that Ruka now has her locket.)  
Juri:  When did you-?  
(Ruka tried crushing it under his foot.)  
Juri:  Sto...stop it! Ruka! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   You mustn’t!  The voodoo acne curse will transfer to whomever step on that jinx chain!  Let me save you . . .)  
(Proceeds to slap Ruka, sucessfully stopping him from getting cursed.)  
Ruka:  I've changed my mind. I'll do what you said. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinking):Yes!)  
Ruka:  I'll make up with her.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Juri (thinkin):. . . dope!)  
Ruka:  Do you hate me so much you can't stand it any more?  
Juri:  Wait.  
Juri:  Ruka, duel me.  
Juri:  If I lose, I'll do whatever the hell you want me to. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   You can put it anywhere you want.)        
Juri:  But if I win, Shiori-  
Ruka:  I got it. Say no more.  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   Do you really?  I was just about to suggest we taunt her with our sex tape after doing the naughty.)        
  
<skip>  
  
Ruka:  Now, get in. You said you'd do whatever I told you.  
Juri:  Where do you intend to take me? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   Doing it in the pimpmobile . . . what ecstasy!)        
playback:  Tsuchiya-senpai, I have no one but you.  
playback:  Tsuchiya-senpai, I have no one but you.  
Juri:  Do you enjoy hurting her that much? ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Then let’s have her be your footstool while I ride you like crazy.)        
Ruka:  If we raise your latent abilities to their maximum, nobody could beat you.  
Ruka:  I'm the one who brings out your abilities.  
Ruka:  Our combination can beat Tenjou Utena...and obtain the Power of Miracles.  
Juri: ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** : not hearing a word Ruka said, so focused is she on the anticipated orgy)  Did you corner Shiori and I this much just for that?  
Ruka:  A sacrifice must be made for a miracle to occur.  
Juri:  That's not fair! Do you want the Power of Miracles that badly?!  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Did you plan for a threesome all along?!)  
Ruka:  You're the one who wants the Power of Miracles!  
Juri:  Shiori isn't some fucking tool of yours! ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:**   Bitch is a fucking tool of mine - which I can lend you if you promise to be a “good” boy.)  
Ruka:  "Believe in miracles, that your wishes come true"...aren't those your words?  
Juri:  You're misunderstanding something. I don't care if my wishes don't come true. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** Of couse I do, I’m just saying that.)  
Juri:  And even if I obtained the Power of Miracles, the only thing I'd wish for... ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** . . . is you be my eternal loveslave, but I can’t say this plainly since I fear scaring you off, so . . .)  
Juri:  ...is freeing her from you. That's all.  
Juri:  I'm not letting you get your way any more. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** I’ll definitely be on top during this ride.)        
Juri:  And to see that you don't, I'll even take you up on your proposition.  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Thought Bubble:** If fighting Utena is the only way to get in your pants, so be it.)  
Ruka:  So, we have a deal.  
Akio:  ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** : looking like the forlorn thousand-year old virgin he is) I'll show you the Ends of the World. Yes, even you two. ( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:** : Proceeds to do acrobats over the car’s hood to pass time while the students make out hotly in the backseat.)  
  
<skip>  
  
(After all the drama is done with and Ruka is gone.)  
Juri:  Are you doing well? The next time we meet...  
Juri:  ...there's one thing I really want to ask.  
Juri:  What hopes had you entrusted to the Power of Miracles?  
Juri:  And who were they for?  
Juri:  I pray that they come true.  
( **Non-Out of Left Field Visual/Mind Perception:**   Shiori, self-esteem having crumbled after like a week without a man, meekly follows Juri begging to again be the stronger female’s footstool; and that is how things go full circle for these girls in the most platonic manner ever.)  
  
 **Episode 37 - The One to Hog the Glory-**  
 **Clip Ends** (courtesy of A-ko turning off the TV)  
  
(A full minute of ominous silence ensues.)  
  
B-ko:  When I get my hands on C-ko, I’ll make that bitch be my footstool for as long as her scrawny shadow ass EXISTS!!  
  
A-ko:  Footstool?  That’s so passe.  Haven’t you heard of the human vase?  
  
B-ko (insane tremor to her voice):  Yes . . .  
  
A-ko (likewise):  Yeah . . .  
  
 **To Be Continued . . . ?**

* * *


	4. Preview to Companion Piece

Having heard from numerous people expressing their beliefs that TV Akio will simply stay trapped inside Ohtori doing nothing after Anthy left him, that no matter what powers he might or might not have without his sister beside him, he'd be too short-sighted to ever see the importance of anything outside of Ohtori Japan's physical boundaries . . . and the idea for a companion-piece to my "Remix" series starts materializing in my mind:     
  
 **Non-Revolutionary Shut In Akio** , or, how to interpret the TV show such that **Akio** is LessThanOrEqualTo **MAkio** (Movie Akio)   
  
  (Image from Ohtori.nu)  
 **Anthy** (ala Gloria Swanson):  **The projector ain't that big - it's my BROTHER that got smaller!**   ( **Thinks** : Who knew that looking at an emotionally abusive sibling from like 50 ft away and without glasses could be such an empowering experience?)  
  
 **Coming soon**


End file.
